Day & Night

Day and night. Yep that's how I feel. You compare me to everyone else in the family, but you know what? I am not everyone else, I am me. I feel like you want me to follow your plan, that what I am doing is wrong and that you don't approve. In fact I know you don't approve....you've told me. You also told me that if I don't eat it won't hurt me...and then I almost disclosed my eating issues to you. You think I just over eat.... OK you can keep thinking that. Then you won't know how disgusting I really am. How in the light of day I seem like such a nice, bubbly, sane person yet in the darkness of the night I am in my home eating everything I can get my hands on, only to go bend over the toilet or go in the shower to purge it all back up. I feel like in the garish light of day I must not say to much or do to much for fear that people will see who I truly am. I the deep recesses of the night I feel like the monster inside me can be let out....when I'm alone it can just take over. It's sometimes like a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde kind of thing. I try and be this saccharine Christian person, which I guess I must admit I am 95% of the time, but then there is that 5% when I feel I am hypocritical. Talking shit about friends, family not living how I should. I drink to much, smoke to much, eat to much, throw up to much,  it's just all to much. I feel like I must push all of this that I keep in the darkness into the light. Tell people how I really feel. These blogs are one way I'm trying to do that, I just can't really tell some people about it in person yet. So I'm trying to blend day and night to feel more cohesive with how I want to be.