I Think I'm Falling.....

I think I'm falling. Falling away from where I want to be. Something just doesn't feel right, and I'm not sure I can pinpoint precisely what would make me feel "right".  Really, what is feeling right?
There are a few things about me that some people don't know...some do know...some pretend not to know.
1) I have depression-Yes I do take meds for it-but I still try to pretend that everything is ok when in fact it really isn't.
2) I have Ed-nos-I'm trying to get better-but again sometimes I just put on a front that's ok
3) I cut-yeah it fucking hurts--but sometimes I just want to feel the pain.

So, I feel like I'm falling back into old habits. I just couldn't really tell my counselor yesterday. I feel like if I tell her---I will have failed--and I don't want her to think she isn't helping me because she is. A friend of mine was talking about her therapists in a blog. I've only seen two so far in my life. 

My first therapist, "Fran" was someone I just couldn't connect with. I only saw her for about a month and a half-before I lost my job that was helping to cover the expense. But anyways, at the time I was in a huge financial crisis--on the verge of my bankruptcy and my eating issues-which my parents don't know about. And if you tell them---I will hurt you, were not at their worst but still pretty bad. Fran made me feel like my problems were not that bad---that basically I should just deal with it. She said I put up a wall and that she couldn't tear it down, I had to help her. I guess because I didn't really feel connected to her I couldn't let her help me break it down.

Now my second therapist, "the General" which is a funny nickname I've given her--seems to have more patience with me. It took me almost a year before I even delved into more serious issues. I trust the General....she doesn't make me think my problems are insignificant like "Fran". I can tell she really cares...every time I tell her about how I want to slice my arm open to let my pain pour out in a crimson river or that I want to binge and purge until my esophagus ruptures I can see the pained look in her face. When I talk to her about how even almost 2 years later, I still feel like the rape that happened in Feb.09 is still my fault she doesn't agree---she helps me to see that even in my faulty thinking it is not my fault. (although I don't always believe this). I've given her the nickname the General because although she is very kind-hearted she still can be feisty. When I tell her I don't take my meds or something like that...I can see the look in her eye that says "Seriously...I'm going to beat you..." although she really wouldn't.

Now, if you're wondering what Ed-nos is, I'll tell you. It basically (in non-technical mumbo jumbo) means that I don't starve myself enough to be anorexic, I don't throw up (purge) enough to be bulimic and I don't over-eat enough to be considered a binge eater. I do all three---I feel like the definition means that Ed-nos is not as serious. But it is. I also feel like it's saying you're not good enough at either--you're a failure. But we've created this name to classify you somehow--makes me feel like a frickin' science experiment. My mind truly is never at ease with this----I do have better days--but lately I confess I think I've fallen.

I just need the General.